For the longest time, I was upset that I was never going to be the bubbly, vivacious girl, who somehow manages come off as demure and sweet at the same time. I’ve felt that there’s been this expectation for me to become that girl for the longest time, that you have to be sweet and demure and bubbly to be liked (by the other sex, and by society in general), or to be seen as potential girlfriend material. And for a pretty long while, I thought that my personality had to be changed in order to be able to fit in. I’ve been labeled a lot of things, and ‘dominatrix’ probably is one of the kindest terms that summarize the lot of them.
This is going to be a hard post to write. I was never very good at selling myself, but I figure this is a skill I’m going to have to learn and use a lot.
I will be the girl who, after two hours of awkward interaction with the world, will need to retreat to my room and read a book or Facebook or something, away from other people. I am the girl who can and who will swear like a sailor, and I will not censor myself. I will be the girl who will throw tantrums in public if something I’ve thought was unfair has happened, even if there are random strangers watching, and then write pages about it, on my blog or my diary, whatever. I am the girl who will quote from random mythologies and obscure fairytales. I am the girl who will stay up for nights writing if I have an idea that I will not let go of, then fall asleep in class the day after (or end up not going after class at all). I’m the girl who has played Pokémon for years, and intend to keep on playing for years more (unless the Pokémon keep getting more stupid, as has been happening lately.) I’m the girl who will blast Taylor Swift in my room in the middle of the night and sing loudly enough to piss my neighbor off, and switch over to My Chemical Romance a minute later, and then switch over to oh, I don’t know, the soundtrack of Chicago, Wicked, Phantom of the Opera or something. I am the girl who will trawl through makeup blogs, and then Reddit’s nosleep thread and scare myself silly before going to sleep. Then I’ll proceed to repeat those stories and scare the hell out of other people. I am the girl who will burst into song at random times if the moment calls for it, or even if it doesn’t call for it. I am the girl who will argue with you if I think you’ve said something wrong. If you’ve said something I think absolutely stupid, I will give a disparaging look and tell you why what you’ve just said is stupid. I am the girl who will wear bright purple lipstick and stilettos while arguing with you about politics and human rights. I am the girl who will forget birthdays, but who will buy random gifts if I’ve found something that makes me think of you. I’m the girl who now blogs about makeup regularly, and spends twenty minutes every day on my face and camwhoring.
It’s taken a while, and I think it’s still a journey that’s not quite complete but I think I’m on the right track. I won’t change for anyone.